Still Here

Yes, I still exist. I don't get on here often, my piggy and I do other things instead, yes that is the same piggy from my early days. I love you Deimos, He goes mostly by piggy now, and other names we share only with each other. it is five years now since we met, and our love is as strong now as it was then, if not more so. I have learned so much from my wee wittle piggy, but the greatest gift he has given me so far is the knwledge that I am worth Loving. Sounds simple doesn't it, but it took me four years to accept. I know one thng, Love can last, and grow if both the people in a relationship want it to, but both parties have to work to keep it alive. The moment you or your friend gives up the relationship is dead. Love is as strong as our will to keep it alive. Retain the will and it can beat all things, Lose heart, lose hope, give up, and Love withers and dies. Love based on if when,m if then, if if if, If you love me... That will die because there is no love there, the speaker doesn't truely care for their partner they want this and this and this. If that is what love means to you, you don't have it.Love means putting the other above yourself, for it to work out right both and or all oparties have to do this. who is going to look out for me if I don't? Piggy. He looks out for me, I look out for him. That is how it works and it can spread, love is not, and should not be limited to one alone. There's a wide world out there and most of the people in it are hungry for love. It doesn't have to be the romantic kind, but someone who can be there, someone who cares, even just a smile and a hug, can brighten a day.

shattered

I dream dreams of a better world, spinning my web from a heart full of pain,trying to reason out why we go on day after endless dreary day. I want no more of it,yet I go on, why, because others want me. Once I would have given all I had for this to be the case, now my spirit is too drained to desire it any longer. still the message repeats itself in my brain, Live, Love, and time becomes once more the friend you thought it in the beginning... It is not so hard to love, merely choose to engage fully with the people around you, accept the hurts and joys of life, care for them do what you can to nurture them. Love is one of the many choices we make, sometimes it seems to smite us like a bolt from the heavens, but that is simply an unconscious acceptance of something as yet unrealized. We make our world friends, we create it every day with who we choose to be, how we choose to act, and what we choose to believe. Make it better, Choose Love!

Late, Late, Late

I am so late updating this blog set. I'm afraid other things got in the way and I just haven't remembered to say anything here in a very long time. This is likely to be short, sweet, and pointy therefore. My Love Deimos and I are still together, thus far a relationship online of a year and a half. I think that's pretty amazing. What's keeping us on opposite sides of the globe, mostly money issues. Neither one of us has much to spare, but we're working on it, and we continue to grow in our love for and trust in one another. My Lord still loves me, and I yield my heart unto his keeping. My fears have thus far proven ill founded. He is determined to Love me. We have taken to exchanging stories on line, True we did this to some extent before. He calls me brilliant and admire's qualities in me I used to be told were bad and awful. Soft smile. For my Part I have gained only greater admiration for him as I grow to know him more. Perhaps I can explain it one day, but for now, i will leave this as testament that Love is strong, and grows with proper care and nurturing. Work on your love and with your love, and Love does not fade but grows stronger. Haluaksia ja suukkojas Deimos Darling.

True love?

A concept I didn't believe existed. I thought in my ignorance that love was tolerating the follies of your friends. That is a good basis for a partnership if one needs a partner and hasn't found a lifemate. The line however is thin yet undeniable. with friends there are aggravations. Things one is not so fond of, things one really doesn't like, and the degree of friendship is how well one can tolerate how much of their personailty and behavior. Good friends, best friends even, have minimal conflict. things they can just keep quiet about and never stir the waters because the friendship is more important. True love, as I am finding out with my Beloved Deimos is so much more than that. His little quirks are endearing not aggravating, even things I would not tolerate in other men I find appealing in him. Jealousy is one I have mentioned before. His manifests as a desire to keep me safe, even from himself. He does not get mad at me for being who I am, he gets mad at himself for not being able to keep the promise he made. I had told him what I was before we agreed to date. He said it was ok, then found it wasn't. I admit I had half expected such, and was not overly surprised, but I was stunned to realize I didn't mind. that shocked the hell out of me. Friendship accepts and tolerates the aggravations. Love trancends them. Love does not see inadequacies, not because it is blind as is so pften purported, but because it accepts these as part and parcel of one's love, and loves all of that person. I just asked him and he said so that I could sleep with an entire football team and come back and he would still love me, would love me more for doing what I felt I needed to. and I believe him. That is LOVE. and the difference is impossible to see before one finds a true life mate, a True Love. Happy hunting, Ashes.

Falling, Floating, Flying.

Well, it's going on six months now, that my love and I have been together. What can I add now? Only perhaps to reiterate that it is choice that keeps us together. each of us choosing individually and together to stay with the other. To stay in love. Yes, there are challenges. Moments when I fear, and doubt, and wonder, but, always he is there, holding my hand, whispering wors of cmfort and joy into my ears. Assuring me That I am not a burden, but a delight. The most important thing I have learned thus far is to trust. To interrpret his words in the best light possible. Too many misunderstandings can occur otherwise. a simple passing thought can breed ill will if allowed to grow and dominate one's thoughts. I have learned to be wary of those who say "Shhh, don't cry, everything will be alright." they will not be so patient with recurring bouts of tears. They have not reached the understanding that my Deimos has, that the storms are part and parcel of the sweetness of love. Feelings of love and tennderness will be dammed along with feelings of pain or grief untold. suffering allowed to fester for want of being let out. Anger unspoken. all these things must be discussed, aired in a caring, loving environment. Misunderstandings, when one's heart says something that could be interpretted badly, assume he meant the most positive interrpretation and didn't consider how poorly it could be taken, when in doubt, ask, do not accuse, but ask, gently. Men like gentleness. Recriminations breed resentment. Putting a person male, female, or otherwise on the defensive can never lead to harmony. Open, honest discussion, asking not accusing. and trusting the other to try and understand are the foundations of a lasting relationship. My deimos does this, he trusts me. He gives me leave to be myself trusting me not to hurt him. The more he does it the more I want, all on my own without his asking, to please him. to be worthy of that faith. In truth the more I fall for him, the deeper I go, the more often I find myself wondering how I lived as I did before I met him. How for instance did I bear the constant stream of dissapointment? The broken promises, the half truths, the social dance around inconvenient realities. Interesting how without those inconvenient realities we might have ended up yet another tale of true love found years too late. I'd probably have been married with children hitting adolescence. Not the time to be finding one's life mate. So, yeah, I am as much in love as ever, more so even. More in love than I have ever been before and wanting it to last forever. I will do anything in my power to make it last, and it is well within my power to moderate my tones and atttitudes to reflect the person I want to be. All my love Deimos!, Ashes.

Alone in the F***ing rain.

Never more Beloved.

I know what it is to be an outsider. i have stared in my share of windows wondering what it would be like to belong, to be accepted. But I was too different. Not in ways that people could identify, oh no, that would have been too easy. No, the labels that could be applied don't really fit. Even here I will only confide a small part. I could be called trans, yes. I am a woman, and I do wear the wrong shape. Somehow that does not entitle me to be trans. Simply by saying I waer the wrong shape takes me out of that catagory. At least according to the other trans folk I have spoken with, save one. Why, because for me it is and always will be the wrong shape. Of course that assumes it were in fact my body. Here is another thing that makes me strange, I never really thought it was mine. Sure it was the only one I could move, the one I used to look in a mirror, and I hated seeing that face in a mirror, but there's the difference. It's not a bad face, kind of attractive in it's way. I have no desire to mutilate a perfectly good male body just because it doesn't happen to fit with my ideas of myself. And therein lies the truth about my "trans" status. So what am I? Gay? No, I cannot abide the idea of giving this body to a man, no nor woman either. But that would make me asexual, and I do have all the usual urges and desires. I want to be touched, kissed, caressed, hugged, and more. I just want it applied to my proper form. So what am I. A woman who cannot touch, taste or feel? A man who cannot function?
No, I am more than that, i am also everything both good and bad that lies within my soul. Religious mumbo jumbo some call it, but what else can be said to define who we are? If we are just a collection of cells, where do these strange feelings come from? Purely chemical in nature? Does our imagination alone create the idea that we are more than this mortal shell? do green eyes brown hair and tanned skin define a person? Is there anyone out there who would not be horrified at the idea that their thoughts and feelings are nothing more than chemical reactions? the random functions, of a random collection of atoms.
I have seeen to much evidence that we shape our world to believe that. we choose to change things, and we act and they are changed. Look at the marvels technology has wrought and yes, the horrors. indooor plumbing (yay), The atom bomb? Cars, Computers, telephones, airplanes, cell phones. None of these are made by nature, and none of these started from anything other than a thought. a need, a desire on the part of some person. and yet I am called mystic and dreamer fro believing there is more to us than a collection of nerves. Mind can affect matter, a fact we see every day and take for granted. Mind also affects culture. All the traditions we believe in today began as more or less radical notions somewhere in history. No this is not a research paper, so I won't support these ideas go out side look around you. read the newspaper, that is all the evidence required. We make our world, each and every day by the choices we make in it, and about it. we choose who we will allow other people to be, and what we cannot accept in them. Our choices make the world a good or not so good place. based on who we are and how we choose to react to stimuli.
And yet people call me dreamer for imagining a world where people are good, where people do nice things for each other, where want and fear and hate are replaced with care and love. You choose the world you live in. I choose mine. I choose hope, and care and love. If that makes me an outsider so be it. I have found one soul who likewise embraces these ideals, I have found a few more who want to. Look deep inside yourselves, and see if you want to brand me dreamer and outcaste or if you want to join me in making this dream a reality. I hope you do, because I would like to see the day when fear and doubt and pain did not rule our world, did not form our decisions, but it is a choice each soul must make on it's own. Come away with me, do not stand in misery alone but enter my world, where love is a possibility, is a reality. Choose wisely.

Realizations

Ah Beloved, I know now why you felt awful this evening. Understanding came to me less than ten minutes after I signed off. I could see it in your eyes beloved, but it cannot pass my lips just now. I will address instead another issue. Jealousy, as you wrote in your own blog my love, and envy.
Some other reader to whom I have explained not so much may wonder why I and therefore you, owing to my explanation, consider jealousy worse than envy. It is simple. Envy can be of a general type of item as opposed to a specific. and it hurts no one if a person desires to have one like that. It is simple, though perhaps not easy to go and find or make or cause to have made an oject like that one. Envy is wrong when taken to the extreme of desiring the one someone else has. If any one is familiar with the song "Jesse's girl" that is a case of Envy gone seriously wrong. Jealousy, is the desire to keep what you have out of the hands of others. There is one instance where this is a good thing, and that is the spur to protect/defend what you prize, up to and including your life. However in our modern world there is little cause for such, and so the emotion becomes highly anachronistic and breeds ill will. Especially when taken to the extreme that you have to have more and better everything than any one else. This is wrong on so many levels it would be difficult to enumerate them all, but I am going to give it a try. If you happen to think of one I haven't mentiooned please feel free to message me about it.
To begin with no human being needs more food than they can consume. Many of us consume more than we need to as it is, and frequently complain about the resultant discomfort, and excess tissue. This is listed as gluttony among the seven deadly sins of christian scripture. Now gluttony is really only a problem for someone besides yourself, if you are eating the food, not because you want the food, or like it, but to keep someone else from having it. whether it's just one certain kind or food in general. Now how close does Glutony sound to the more general jealosy? Looked at this way we may begin to see who jealousy hurts. Also jealousy over anything breeds envy, one person wanting to keep it away from another will usually serve to make that second individual want it even more. the more people you keep it away from and let know you're keeping it from, the more people will become angry with you, lusting after the oject or objects in question more than they might have otherwise. Yet another way this harms people comes into play when the object of this selfish affection is a person. then the jealous "lover" has to not only keep everyone away from them, they must also keep that person from reaching out to anyone else. A side effect of this is that the object becomes watched and mistrusted, and even the most innocent of actions is misinterpreted by the jealous one. Who enraged at the misbehavior Punishes the object of affection alienating one who might well have loved them. This sort of Jealousy or need to possess can not be called Love, though it all too often is.
I know I have not really begun to scratch the surface of this subject, but in the interests of not trying to publish a book here. I will close with this statement. Love is the antithesis of all of the above. Love cares for other people, wishes to take care of them not keep from them what they need. Love makes sure everyone has enough to the best of it's ability. Think of Mothers offering food to children and guests alike. lastly Love shares what it has, love desires everyone to enjoy what it has or the cause of the love, and love feels horrible when it sees someone suffering want. Love seeks to fill all such needs and wants and sometimes finds itself in conflict with itself on that account, but only when that love is not reciprocated, or gets tangled up in what one has learned is good and proper and may once have been but is no longer. Real Love is about sharing the glorious bounty that surrounds us, caring for all people as much as possible, understanding differences and making allowances for those differences. With love in our hearts we can take on any burden knowing that our efforts will be appreciated and help will be forthcoming. With love for all things we could heal the wounds of our wartorn and disease ravaged world. But first we must teach ourselves to love it. To care for it. and ultimately Loving and caring for one another we meet our own needs best because all love and care for us too.
Yes Beloved Deimos, within this rambling post is the answer I found. Seek with an open heart and you will find it, but I cannot tell it straight out. It's an answer each must find for themselves. I am yours, and I love you, always forever.