Alone in the F***ing rain.

Never more Beloved.

I know what it is to be an outsider. i have stared in my share of windows wondering what it would be like to belong, to be accepted. But I was too different. Not in ways that people could identify, oh no, that would have been too easy. No, the labels that could be applied don't really fit. Even here I will only confide a small part. I could be called trans, yes. I am a woman, and I do wear the wrong shape. Somehow that does not entitle me to be trans. Simply by saying I waer the wrong shape takes me out of that catagory. At least according to the other trans folk I have spoken with, save one. Why, because for me it is and always will be the wrong shape. Of course that assumes it were in fact my body. Here is another thing that makes me strange, I never really thought it was mine. Sure it was the only one I could move, the one I used to look in a mirror, and I hated seeing that face in a mirror, but there's the difference. It's not a bad face, kind of attractive in it's way. I have no desire to mutilate a perfectly good male body just because it doesn't happen to fit with my ideas of myself. And therein lies the truth about my "trans" status. So what am I? Gay? No, I cannot abide the idea of giving this body to a man, no nor woman either. But that would make me asexual, and I do have all the usual urges and desires. I want to be touched, kissed, caressed, hugged, and more. I just want it applied to my proper form. So what am I. A woman who cannot touch, taste or feel? A man who cannot function?
No, I am more than that, i am also everything both good and bad that lies within my soul. Religious mumbo jumbo some call it, but what else can be said to define who we are? If we are just a collection of cells, where do these strange feelings come from? Purely chemical in nature? Does our imagination alone create the idea that we are more than this mortal shell? do green eyes brown hair and tanned skin define a person? Is there anyone out there who would not be horrified at the idea that their thoughts and feelings are nothing more than chemical reactions? the random functions, of a random collection of atoms.
I have seeen to much evidence that we shape our world to believe that. we choose to change things, and we act and they are changed. Look at the marvels technology has wrought and yes, the horrors. indooor plumbing (yay), The atom bomb? Cars, Computers, telephones, airplanes, cell phones. None of these are made by nature, and none of these started from anything other than a thought. a need, a desire on the part of some person. and yet I am called mystic and dreamer fro believing there is more to us than a collection of nerves. Mind can affect matter, a fact we see every day and take for granted. Mind also affects culture. All the traditions we believe in today began as more or less radical notions somewhere in history. No this is not a research paper, so I won't support these ideas go out side look around you. read the newspaper, that is all the evidence required. We make our world, each and every day by the choices we make in it, and about it. we choose who we will allow other people to be, and what we cannot accept in them. Our choices make the world a good or not so good place. based on who we are and how we choose to react to stimuli.
And yet people call me dreamer for imagining a world where people are good, where people do nice things for each other, where want and fear and hate are replaced with care and love. You choose the world you live in. I choose mine. I choose hope, and care and love. If that makes me an outsider so be it. I have found one soul who likewise embraces these ideals, I have found a few more who want to. Look deep inside yourselves, and see if you want to brand me dreamer and outcaste or if you want to join me in making this dream a reality. I hope you do, because I would like to see the day when fear and doubt and pain did not rule our world, did not form our decisions, but it is a choice each soul must make on it's own. Come away with me, do not stand in misery alone but enter my world, where love is a possibility, is a reality. Choose wisely.