True love?

A concept I didn't believe existed. I thought in my ignorance that love was tolerating the follies of your friends. That is a good basis for a partnership if one needs a partner and hasn't found a lifemate. The line however is thin yet undeniable. with friends there are aggravations. Things one is not so fond of, things one really doesn't like, and the degree of friendship is how well one can tolerate how much of their personailty and behavior. Good friends, best friends even, have minimal conflict. things they can just keep quiet about and never stir the waters because the friendship is more important. True love, as I am finding out with my Beloved Deimos is so much more than that. His little quirks are endearing not aggravating, even things I would not tolerate in other men I find appealing in him. Jealousy is one I have mentioned before. His manifests as a desire to keep me safe, even from himself. He does not get mad at me for being who I am, he gets mad at himself for not being able to keep the promise he made. I had told him what I was before we agreed to date. He said it was ok, then found it wasn't. I admit I had half expected such, and was not overly surprised, but I was stunned to realize I didn't mind. that shocked the hell out of me. Friendship accepts and tolerates the aggravations. Love trancends them. Love does not see inadequacies, not because it is blind as is so pften purported, but because it accepts these as part and parcel of one's love, and loves all of that person. I just asked him and he said so that I could sleep with an entire football team and come back and he would still love me, would love me more for doing what I felt I needed to. and I believe him. That is LOVE. and the difference is impossible to see before one finds a true life mate, a True Love. Happy hunting, Ashes.

Falling, Floating, Flying.

Well, it's going on six months now, that my love and I have been together. What can I add now? Only perhaps to reiterate that it is choice that keeps us together. each of us choosing individually and together to stay with the other. To stay in love. Yes, there are challenges. Moments when I fear, and doubt, and wonder, but, always he is there, holding my hand, whispering wors of cmfort and joy into my ears. Assuring me That I am not a burden, but a delight. The most important thing I have learned thus far is to trust. To interrpret his words in the best light possible. Too many misunderstandings can occur otherwise. a simple passing thought can breed ill will if allowed to grow and dominate one's thoughts. I have learned to be wary of those who say "Shhh, don't cry, everything will be alright." they will not be so patient with recurring bouts of tears. They have not reached the understanding that my Deimos has, that the storms are part and parcel of the sweetness of love. Feelings of love and tennderness will be dammed along with feelings of pain or grief untold. suffering allowed to fester for want of being let out. Anger unspoken. all these things must be discussed, aired in a caring, loving environment. Misunderstandings, when one's heart says something that could be interpretted badly, assume he meant the most positive interrpretation and didn't consider how poorly it could be taken, when in doubt, ask, do not accuse, but ask, gently. Men like gentleness. Recriminations breed resentment. Putting a person male, female, or otherwise on the defensive can never lead to harmony. Open, honest discussion, asking not accusing. and trusting the other to try and understand are the foundations of a lasting relationship. My deimos does this, he trusts me. He gives me leave to be myself trusting me not to hurt him. The more he does it the more I want, all on my own without his asking, to please him. to be worthy of that faith. In truth the more I fall for him, the deeper I go, the more often I find myself wondering how I lived as I did before I met him. How for instance did I bear the constant stream of dissapointment? The broken promises, the half truths, the social dance around inconvenient realities. Interesting how without those inconvenient realities we might have ended up yet another tale of true love found years too late. I'd probably have been married with children hitting adolescence. Not the time to be finding one's life mate. So, yeah, I am as much in love as ever, more so even. More in love than I have ever been before and wanting it to last forever. I will do anything in my power to make it last, and it is well within my power to moderate my tones and atttitudes to reflect the person I want to be. All my love Deimos!, Ashes.

Alone in the F***ing rain.

Never more Beloved.

I know what it is to be an outsider. i have stared in my share of windows wondering what it would be like to belong, to be accepted. But I was too different. Not in ways that people could identify, oh no, that would have been too easy. No, the labels that could be applied don't really fit. Even here I will only confide a small part. I could be called trans, yes. I am a woman, and I do wear the wrong shape. Somehow that does not entitle me to be trans. Simply by saying I waer the wrong shape takes me out of that catagory. At least according to the other trans folk I have spoken with, save one. Why, because for me it is and always will be the wrong shape. Of course that assumes it were in fact my body. Here is another thing that makes me strange, I never really thought it was mine. Sure it was the only one I could move, the one I used to look in a mirror, and I hated seeing that face in a mirror, but there's the difference. It's not a bad face, kind of attractive in it's way. I have no desire to mutilate a perfectly good male body just because it doesn't happen to fit with my ideas of myself. And therein lies the truth about my "trans" status. So what am I? Gay? No, I cannot abide the idea of giving this body to a man, no nor woman either. But that would make me asexual, and I do have all the usual urges and desires. I want to be touched, kissed, caressed, hugged, and more. I just want it applied to my proper form. So what am I. A woman who cannot touch, taste or feel? A man who cannot function?
No, I am more than that, i am also everything both good and bad that lies within my soul. Religious mumbo jumbo some call it, but what else can be said to define who we are? If we are just a collection of cells, where do these strange feelings come from? Purely chemical in nature? Does our imagination alone create the idea that we are more than this mortal shell? do green eyes brown hair and tanned skin define a person? Is there anyone out there who would not be horrified at the idea that their thoughts and feelings are nothing more than chemical reactions? the random functions, of a random collection of atoms.
I have seeen to much evidence that we shape our world to believe that. we choose to change things, and we act and they are changed. Look at the marvels technology has wrought and yes, the horrors. indooor plumbing (yay), The atom bomb? Cars, Computers, telephones, airplanes, cell phones. None of these are made by nature, and none of these started from anything other than a thought. a need, a desire on the part of some person. and yet I am called mystic and dreamer fro believing there is more to us than a collection of nerves. Mind can affect matter, a fact we see every day and take for granted. Mind also affects culture. All the traditions we believe in today began as more or less radical notions somewhere in history. No this is not a research paper, so I won't support these ideas go out side look around you. read the newspaper, that is all the evidence required. We make our world, each and every day by the choices we make in it, and about it. we choose who we will allow other people to be, and what we cannot accept in them. Our choices make the world a good or not so good place. based on who we are and how we choose to react to stimuli.
And yet people call me dreamer for imagining a world where people are good, where people do nice things for each other, where want and fear and hate are replaced with care and love. You choose the world you live in. I choose mine. I choose hope, and care and love. If that makes me an outsider so be it. I have found one soul who likewise embraces these ideals, I have found a few more who want to. Look deep inside yourselves, and see if you want to brand me dreamer and outcaste or if you want to join me in making this dream a reality. I hope you do, because I would like to see the day when fear and doubt and pain did not rule our world, did not form our decisions, but it is a choice each soul must make on it's own. Come away with me, do not stand in misery alone but enter my world, where love is a possibility, is a reality. Choose wisely.

Realizations

Ah Beloved, I know now why you felt awful this evening. Understanding came to me less than ten minutes after I signed off. I could see it in your eyes beloved, but it cannot pass my lips just now. I will address instead another issue. Jealousy, as you wrote in your own blog my love, and envy.
Some other reader to whom I have explained not so much may wonder why I and therefore you, owing to my explanation, consider jealousy worse than envy. It is simple. Envy can be of a general type of item as opposed to a specific. and it hurts no one if a person desires to have one like that. It is simple, though perhaps not easy to go and find or make or cause to have made an oject like that one. Envy is wrong when taken to the extreme of desiring the one someone else has. If any one is familiar with the song "Jesse's girl" that is a case of Envy gone seriously wrong. Jealousy, is the desire to keep what you have out of the hands of others. There is one instance where this is a good thing, and that is the spur to protect/defend what you prize, up to and including your life. However in our modern world there is little cause for such, and so the emotion becomes highly anachronistic and breeds ill will. Especially when taken to the extreme that you have to have more and better everything than any one else. This is wrong on so many levels it would be difficult to enumerate them all, but I am going to give it a try. If you happen to think of one I haven't mentiooned please feel free to message me about it.
To begin with no human being needs more food than they can consume. Many of us consume more than we need to as it is, and frequently complain about the resultant discomfort, and excess tissue. This is listed as gluttony among the seven deadly sins of christian scripture. Now gluttony is really only a problem for someone besides yourself, if you are eating the food, not because you want the food, or like it, but to keep someone else from having it. whether it's just one certain kind or food in general. Now how close does Glutony sound to the more general jealosy? Looked at this way we may begin to see who jealousy hurts. Also jealousy over anything breeds envy, one person wanting to keep it away from another will usually serve to make that second individual want it even more. the more people you keep it away from and let know you're keeping it from, the more people will become angry with you, lusting after the oject or objects in question more than they might have otherwise. Yet another way this harms people comes into play when the object of this selfish affection is a person. then the jealous "lover" has to not only keep everyone away from them, they must also keep that person from reaching out to anyone else. A side effect of this is that the object becomes watched and mistrusted, and even the most innocent of actions is misinterpreted by the jealous one. Who enraged at the misbehavior Punishes the object of affection alienating one who might well have loved them. This sort of Jealousy or need to possess can not be called Love, though it all too often is.
I know I have not really begun to scratch the surface of this subject, but in the interests of not trying to publish a book here. I will close with this statement. Love is the antithesis of all of the above. Love cares for other people, wishes to take care of them not keep from them what they need. Love makes sure everyone has enough to the best of it's ability. Think of Mothers offering food to children and guests alike. lastly Love shares what it has, love desires everyone to enjoy what it has or the cause of the love, and love feels horrible when it sees someone suffering want. Love seeks to fill all such needs and wants and sometimes finds itself in conflict with itself on that account, but only when that love is not reciprocated, or gets tangled up in what one has learned is good and proper and may once have been but is no longer. Real Love is about sharing the glorious bounty that surrounds us, caring for all people as much as possible, understanding differences and making allowances for those differences. With love in our hearts we can take on any burden knowing that our efforts will be appreciated and help will be forthcoming. With love for all things we could heal the wounds of our wartorn and disease ravaged world. But first we must teach ourselves to love it. To care for it. and ultimately Loving and caring for one another we meet our own needs best because all love and care for us too.
Yes Beloved Deimos, within this rambling post is the answer I found. Seek with an open heart and you will find it, but I cannot tell it straight out. It's an answer each must find for themselves. I am yours, and I love you, always forever.

reciprocity

here this is mostly for you beloved, but let others see it as well, You'rs in on live journal. Here is mine. I am well pleased with my result.

Your result for What Gender do you Think and Feel Like?...

Wilting Romantic

Female Heart, Female Brain

Your thoughts and feelings are both feminine. Such combination can make you appear soft and malleable to people. This test is not about physical sex, but gender, which has nothing to do with what body you were born into or what your sexual orientation is. However, you express yourself in a very feminine way.

Take What Gender do you Think and Feel Like? at

Still soaring

Yes, I have been a bad and wicked girl and haven't posted in over a month, going on two. Where have I been? What have I been doing? Talking with my Love. Yes that is right, I have spent most days out of nearly two months talking as much as possible with my beloved Deimos. How are we doing? He's making plans to come meet me. That's right, all the talking and stuff we have done, has led us deeper into love. Why, because we trust each other. Time for a little rant, Trust isn't about knowing the other person wouldn't do anything you didn't like. It's about knowing the other person cares for you and doesn't want to hurt you even when they do. It's about letting them know you love them in as many ways as possible each and every day. It's about loving a person for who and what they are not for what you want them to be. Neither of us tries to make the other fit into preconcieved notions of what we "always" wanted. Neither of us needs to. Deimos is already in the way he acts, and talks everything I could ever have thought to ask for in a man. Is he perfect? according to me he is. Seriously there are a few very minor points where we disagree. I believe Polyamoury to be a preferrable state, and he feels he is a one woman man. Can I live with this, yes. I'll probably tease him every now and again, But on the whole Yes, I can cope with it. Can he live with my veiwpoint. "I won't cage you." That's a direct quote. "I love who you are." that's another one. he fell in love with me for who and what I am and is wise enough to know that attempting to change me would probably destroy the girl he loves. That is a risk neither of us wants to take. Love is a very complicated matter, but at it's heart is this one thing. We both acknowledge that we fell in love with who the other person was. We enjoy how that makes us feel and desire to grow closer together not further apart. Each and every day we choose to let ourselves continue loving one another. we find our common grounds and discuss our differences, and decide each day whether we want to continue pursuing this relationship, and the flame has not died. Far from it Our passion for one another grows. The wings of love continue to bear us aloft, and Deimos and I would rather love each other and choose to love each other, over the alternative with which we are all to familiar. It comes down to love being a choice we make. We enjoy the passion, the fire, the fun, the long deep conversations, the fun flirty sweet nothing whispering interludes, of which latter there are ever so many! Long sweet passion filled days and nights. But each time we face the choice. and each time we choose each other over returning to the misery we knew apart from one another. i cried today, literally, actually broke down in tears at the mere thought that I could go back to living as I did before Deimos came into my life. I wept. When i spoke to him I did not beg him to tell me he would always be there for me, I begged him to be open and honest with me about whether he wanted to go. He doesn't. He said so, and I believe him. In my opinion at this time if you can doubt your love, it is not love. if someone can lie about those heart feelings then what they feel is not love and if you can leave someone based on anything, ANYTHING, except thier choice to leave you. It is NOT LOVE. Love is knowing a person and caring for a person, and who or what that person is. If that person feels they need something you let them have it, get it for them, whatever it takes to meet your loves need. and you trust them to come back to you. to love you as you love them. Love is a freedom, a choice, a chance, and a responsibility. And it does lift you up so very high. I love you Deimos. Love you Love you love you.

Wings of Love.

This may ramble a bit, I've spent the last five days doing almost nothing but talking to my beloved. Why I never get tired of it I'm honestly not sure, but I really really don't. I can't seem to get enough. We have discussed some very serious matters. We each have issues that we are coming to terms with, albeit slowly. Yet each time we talk we help each other through something, and we come back all the stronger, and ever more deeply entwined. I spoke to him a couple of days ago, about my worst pain, the one that ruined my life. He held me, kissed me, and told me we would work on it, but that he loved me. I guess that's really the thing I keep coming back to, the miracle of my days and nights. He loves me. He knows who I am, he sees me for what I am, and he wants to have me around. he said a few days ago that I see parts of him he didn't, and credits me with wisdom. Well the feeling is reciprocal. He sees things in me I never thought to look for. He likes who I am, and if he doesn't like everything I've been and done, He knows the reasons why I did what I did and loves me for having come through it. He thinks I'm wonderful, and I couldn't be happier. I've never felt particularly wonderful before, but when he says it, I believe I am. A rare Miracle My Deimos. Lovers beware, love isn't something that just happens. You fall in love it's true, but then it has to be returned, and as you get to know the other you have to make room in your heart for exactly who and what that other is. My love fears things will not work out sometimes, Things relevant and yet tangential to our love for one another. Me, I fear different things. I know that if we work on it we can make the marvels we need a reality. That's right beloved. We can and will do this. Sometimes I fear I am not good enough for him, but I love him, and trust him. I will place my trust in him. I do place it there. Knowing full well how it will destroy me if my fears come true. I want this you see, want it so badly that all considerations of personal safety become null and void. That is what Love is. A big scary leap of faith. Hoping, praying, that the one you love will catch you. Will hold you, will keep on loving you no matter what. The catch dear readers is this, in order to gain that you have to give it. I will hold him, love him, and adore him, no matter what he does, because I want him. I want this, and I choose to do whatever I need to to keep it. To accept all that he is, freely, with love in my heart. And offer him the trust, that he will do the same. Such is the trick to love, finding a partner who can love the deepest, darkest part of you. And loving them back. It is a leap of faith. One that each of us makes. trusting the other to catch us, and for now, we soar, flying on wings of love. For quite some time I believed Love was a Lie, a cruel, vicious lie told to make people do what you wanted them to. You all know what I mean. The "If you love me" deal. It doesn't work like that, if you have a partner who is doing this, run far, far away, it will only hurt you. Find a person who enjoys you. All parts of you, one who finds what you are appealing. This can be tricky inside the flesh, because flesh lies as surely as words. One can really like a person based only on good looks or charm or whatever, but if you don't mesh well in your interests. If you constantly find yourself holding things back to "make it work" it is not real. Love bears all things because the sum of a persons parts is not the be all and end all of a relationship, it's just the beginning. The whole being greater than the total. Smile, I love him because we sparked, and shared. Because we are learning together. the initial spark must be fanned, nurtured, by mutual understanding and growth. He loves my foibles and I his. That creates a strong base for developing a love to last a lifetime. Kisses Deimos. I love you.

As the world falls down.

Since this is something of a journal I may as well say it here. It seems falling in love may well be the end of the world. Wry smile, I wouldn't change that. If it means the end of the world so be it. I love you Deimos. In three days time I will not be able to drive my vehicle to work owing to certain regulations that were recently put in place here. That's ok, as of tommorrow I'm out of a job until my company finds another place to put me. I have eight months remaining on the apartment lease, so I can't just run away like I want to. But it's ok. I feel good. I'm in love with a man who loves me. He loves me for being myself. We talked about it this morning/afternoon. He loves all the little things about me that I have never been able to want to change. If I had certain knowledge that by ceasing to love him I could save the world, end war, famine, poverty, and disease for all time. I would not do it. I could not do it. If the world ends tommorrow so be it, i will spend the remianing time in his amrs in whatever capacity we have for such and I will meet him on the other side. If however as is more probable it drags on in it's current state of disarray I will work at finding another post fixing my car to meet the new regs, and get on with the business of living to meet him face to face another day. I love you Deimos. Now and always.

Hearts Blood.

Yes I know this is commonly associated with bad things. It's totally not true. The whole point ot the heart is to pump the blood through the body. This is the heart's proper function. Just so it pumps life though our relationships. Cut the flow off and it withers and dies. I have spent quite a few years witnessing the tragic directions people take with their romances. Watching from the sidelines because I had nothing but a few observations with no real basis other than my role as an observer in one of life's most exciting games.
Deimos credits me with the brilliant Idea, and if you don't know who he is already he is the first follower this blog got, you can see his veiwpoint on his own blog Days of Deimos, I have to give the nod to ftMichael whose journal made me think of doing this sort of chronicle. Otherwise I would simply have tried out my ideas. So before I get into our relationship, with which I am exceedingly thrilled and excited. let me state that from what I have seen the beginning is as much choice as luck. For my part I was open to and welcoming of anyone who wished to avail themselves of whatever I could offer them. A choice I made consciously, a decision to welcome all who might be interested in getting to know me. So, having arrived in the same place as Deimos. I saw him, was attracted and spoke to him, as I had done with others in that place. We had what is called Chemistry, we talked, found many things in common, and became friends. I admit I fell pretty hard for what I imagined him to be, but my imaginings were based as much on what he said of himself as on any image I had of him. Oh yes there was a deffinite image I had of him. Kisses Deimos. I flirted outrageously, and continued behaving like my semi wanton self, and he found something appealing therein. Given the things I'd been thinking, quotes from various sources, I about fell out of my chair when he said the words that turned my world upside down, rightside up, and sent me on this ride of a lifetime. As of this moment deimos and I have been together for about a week. we have talked, laughed, and yes, Loved. Yesterday was the first real test of my convictions. I believe that it is important to remain true to the person you were when your love fell for you. Deimos had said he would not be jealous, or more accurately would keep it in check if I continued as I had been with my other loves, and yes I love easily and often, though never lightly. Deimos had a really bad reaction however when I asked him about offering my love to another girl. Something I never expected would happen did then. I liked him being jealous. It makes him uncomfortable to find this in himself, and it goes against what I have believed of myself to this point to allow it, but...
We have to make allowances to keep love alive. If we truly love someone else we have to give them a chance. Deimos and I are talking about the problem, we have come to a compromise. He'll let me help him deal with and learn to control his jealousy and I will limit the number of times I bring it to the surface. I try to provide some warning if I know I am going to, and he tells me if I have done so without warning him first. At first he said he was ok with it, but his silence and the grinding of his teeth suggested I might want to double check. I am smiling as I write this. When I inquired if he was sure, he had rethought his position, and was most wroth with himself on account of not being able to keep his promise. I have spent much of the last day reassuring him that what he feels is normal, even ok to an extent as long as we are both comfortable with it. He is not, so we will work on it and see how things go. As of this morning however we are more deeply in love than ever and planning on as open and honest a relationship as is possible. With ourselves as well as each other. That is in my opinion an important element. You can't be true to your partner if you don't know who you are. We can't be honest with each other if we don't honestly evaluate our feelings and talk with each other while we are still deeply in love. I have felt myself at times becoming uncomfortable with the closeness, the madness that drives me into his arms. I love him wildly and am unaccustomed to being so out of control. I have to stop trying to back up and regain my control and let his love sweep me away. It does. Every time I let go it sweeps me into a place of purest joy. If I want this, and I do, I have to not let my fear of being out of control rule me. I talk with Deimos, laugh with him and love him unreservedly. Heartache may come but I will do my utmost to ensure it doesn't. Hugs and Kisses Deimos, You are my inspiration, and joy.

Still soaring on this feeling I have inside of me. This man is incredible, I can tell him my secrets and dreams. I speak of things believed impossible and he not only accepts he meets me there. The first time was a miracle, every time thereafter is even better. He knows my passions and exceeds expectations in all arena's. I love him so much. I haven't had anything remotely serious except this wonderful experience in days. Sure I can think of other things, but then something, or even nothing at all, will make me think of him and then I cannot stop myself from grinning. My brother is staying out of the apartment today because the disparity in our moods is so great. I wish he'd find Joy half as great as mine. I love you DeimosW.

Valentine Miracle

Today, I fell in love. I suppose it would be more accurate to say that this is the day when I learned from Him that our feelings are reciprocal. I cannot contain this feeling, it bursts forth in song. I dance to little tunes made up in my head as I wander the warehouse where I work. If anyone still came here they would think me insane, but no one does. I've been smiling for about ten hours now. I can't remember the last time I felt this good. It's amazing isn't it, how one thing can change your whole perception of the world. When I went to bed last night it looked awful. Mostly owing to the look into the behavior of many citizens of the country where I live. I won't go into detail as that would give too much away. Now with one day behind me, My entire perspective is altered. Rose colored glasses have descended over my sight and will not move. Not that I was trying to move them. Thank you My love.